Here Goes

I have become everything I hated about my ex-boyfriend.

It was the summer of 2007, and it was pathetic. I thought I was madly in love. We spoke about marriage, living together in New York, what we would name our children, and whose last name would come first when we would eventually hyphenate both. That was just the logistics. It was the actual emotion, the love, that made me hurt the most.

He was two years my senior, and we picked the most convenient time to get together - the summer right before he’d leave for college. Eventually that became the reason we broke up. He was “going so far,” he told me. I was young and naive and believed Long Beach was actually far. That was the ending, but like I said, it was the love that made me hurt the most.

I still cant forget all the times he told me to make sure I was positive this is what I wanted, and by “this” I mean every little thing I did or decided. He wanted to take it slow, wanted me to be a kid for a while. It disgusted me reminiscing on the time when he told me we couldn’t officially be together until I was ready - that is until he thought I had experienced being gay for long enough. At the time I cried, thinking I was in love, promising him he was all I wanted. Years later I felt insulted.

He treated me like a child many times. Recently I’ve told my friends he wasn’t much a boyfriend as he was “just the closest gay around.” Sometimes he felt like a mentor, a tutor, my own personal gay coach.

But today I noticed I’ve become everything I hated about my ex-boyfriend. And with that comes the realization that I’ve become everything I should be grateful for, everything I should love about my ex-boyfriend.

Because of him, I was able to just be a kid for a while. I was given the chance to grow up, and to do it well. I was given the opportunity to progress and cherish that journey instead of leaping forward and regretting that on which I could have missed.

So, dear T, I hope you don’t hate me too much for the way I treat you today. Maybe 5 years down the road you’ll come to the same realization about me as I did about Paul. And you’ll realize that this truly is love in its most raw and purest form.

I have a simple 8x6” plastic sleeve that holds my most precious memories, and if I ever lose it, I’ll be the most devastated I can imagine, and I have a great imagination.

Today I ended a relationship - the third most serious one I’ve ended in my life, and it feels weird saying that considering the facts. 

Nonetheless, this was the third time (following the two most serious) that it ended with him saying “You’re perfect. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy.”

And, so I began to wonder, is this the new go to “It’s not you, it’s me” line? 

But, then I realized, HAHAHA NO! Seriously, I am perfect and I am everything a guy wants. They’re just not ready for me. 

They say having you in my life has made me stronger. They say I will always love you more than you will love me. They say that because you’ve been with me forever that you’ve fashioned me, watched me, led me, raised me. I - I was just one part of you, they say. They say I had little to do with who you are, but you are everything to do with what I’ll become. They say you’re stronger.

So let it be. Let it be what it is. I do love you. I love you so very much every fight we’ve ever had I wish I lost. But, I didn’t. I won a few and that hurt you, because they said you were stronger. I love you so very much that that every time you were kind to me I wished that I would have acted the same way were I in your shoes. And so yes, you have fashioned who I am, and God knows that we’re I not alive, your gentleness would be as sweet as a shard of glass so stubborn to shatter smoothly. I love you so very much that I am grateful for everything you have done despite the times you’ve spit in my face, slammed my head against the floor, and screamed in my ears.

Because that’s what bothers do, and that’s the closest I’ll ever come to war. So thank you for being stronger than me. Thank you for fighting for me. Thank you for being who you are and letting me be who I want to be. Because, God knows I’ve always wanted to fight for this country like you do, like you do, like you do, like you.

I’ve always wanted to be like you, and God knows I’m trying.